Bless You

06/24/18

I can almost feel it girl. It’s almost happening. I’m (hopefully) on the last few steps to moving on from you. You see, for a long time, I was convinced that I would never ever find a girl like you in my life for a looong while. Frustratingly, I wasn’t wrong. There I was, for a loooong while, and I have not met a girl as cool as you, as cute as you, as funny as you or as weird as you during my whole time at college though, there were a few that came sort of close. You were the standard that I set in my search for girls and there were plenty of times where I regretted having such high standards for myself. Until a week ago that is.

I started volunteering for a Filipino organization called Filipino Cultural School (FCS), which is an organization dedicated to teaching the culture of the Philippines via dance, language, and  to anyone interested, regardless of ethnicity. For the summer program, there is a K-12 age range and each age group is separated into their own classes. An orientation was scheduled at about 2 in the afternoon and was meant to teach us volunteers about our responsibilities. I arrive at the orientation about 15 minutes later and catch a group of people about to play an icebreaker sort of game. I sign in, do some bullshit, and join the people playing the game. The game required that you know the name of the person that is next to you, and there were people at either side of you. I already knew the guy to my left, but I did not know who the girl to my left was. “My name is Allen by the way, what’s your name?” We shake hands. “Hey my name is K*******” “Oh wow! Like the singer!” Obviously, she shared a name with a famous singer and this was pretty cool to me. I did not push this further at the moment, but during the breaks we had during this orientation, I talked with her a little bit further about her music tastes, if she likes the singer with whom she shares a name, etc. She’s not a huge fan of her music, but she’s cool to K******. Other miscellaneous information that I learned was that her EX-boyfriend was a skater, she only mentions this because I asked if she skates (because her shoes had some marks resembling a skaters shoes). The only thing that was in my mind though was ‘EX’. I did not learn anything eye-opening about her at the moment, and so I talked to my other friends afterwards and didn’t talk with her the rest of the day.

Fast forward to 2 weeks from that orientation. It is now the first day of Filipino Cultural School (06/16). The summer program takes place at a middle school that is booked by FCS in advance. Very good times at this volunteer position. The kids are all a blast to be around and their energy is pretty contagious. During lunch, I saw K****** sort of by herself at the base of operations that is set up in one of the rooms. Being myself, I go over to chat with her, I talk with her about her jacket and teased her about it when she told me it was from the thrift store. We shared a common interest in thrift stores in that moment, which is pretty cool. I proposed that we go eat with the kids and she was down. We sit down with some of the kids that were in my class (I got grouped with the 3rd/4th graders) when I realized I forgot napkins for my burrito, so I ran to go get some. I come back and K****** was seeing how I interacted with the kids (they love me btw). Lunch was over, and pretty soon, the day was over. Afterwards, the volunteers and administration likes to go out and eat at a nearby place. K******, my friend Phil, and I decide to carpool in her car. A small little detail I noticed with her is that she prioritizes playing music from her phone in her car before she drives off.

I do this too.

The music she’s playing in the car wasn’t no chump music either, she was bringing out the hits baby. She played a little bit of Daniel Caesar, SZA, Jhene Aiko, and others. This made me realize that her taste in music is already god-tier compared to pretty much every girl I met in college. I was pretty impressed at the moment. Sooner or later, we got to our destination and we get ourselves settled in, order our food, and now “The Wait” begins.

For the uninitiated, The Wait is the period of time between ordering your food and getting your food. The conversations that supplement this time period can either be amazing or trash. Or you end up in limbo where one or both of you are on your phones. 

At any rate, The Wait began for us and so now I got to talking with K****** about music because of the fire that I heard in the car. The more I talked with her, the more I realized how knowledgeable about music she actually is. Not just any music, but music that I’m into. We bond over our shared music interests and we gradually transitioned to the subject of movies, of which she is equally knowledgeable of. I’m now talking about movies that I appreciate, she’s talking about movies that she appreciates, I chime in on the conversation, she chimes in on the conversation. I point out certain things in movies and she is either interested enough to allow me to keep talking about it, or she knows exactly what I’m talking about and we continue the conversation with two opinions, which is always welcomed (depending on the person, this can be challenged). In general, there were many times where she would say something and I would enthusiastically agree with it because I think the exact same way “oh my gosh yes!” “Girl yes!” “oh my gosh same!” “SAME” “S A M E *faints” I kept the conversation alive by proposing questions about anything and it works. Even she is keeping the conversation alive by asking me questions, showing me memes, dog pictures, and then I do the same, and the whole cycle just repeats. I was really enjoying my time talking with this girl. She likes the same music as I do, she likes the same [types of] movies as I do, she has the same sense of humor as I do (pretty dark), is kind of weird; aka ‘quirky,’ which is a term I am not a fan of; and is pretty cute. Everything felt natural with her and it was so refreshing, I wanted to hang out with her more. By the way, I was simply too bewildered by the fact that she is also a fan of most of the things I am a fan of, that catching feelings was in the back of my mind. “There’s no way this girl is real right?” I say to myself the whole time I’m hanging out with her. Every clue pointed to this girl being genuinely real and I wanted to hang out with her some more. 

My wish was granted. After we were done eating, we accompany K****** to a boba joint where we talked more and more about the same things as well as other topics such as musicals, which I am not a huge fan of. However, Phil saved the day since he is also a fan of musicals. We also tried some of the pastries that the place had to offer and we were having ourselves a merry little time. I took this opportunity to ask for her instagram and snapchat, which she provided without question. I even asked for her permission to send her memes, she accepted. We chill for a little while longer at the boba place before we decide to leave. While sitting in the car, we were now deliberating on what to do next. I ask if they are doing anything today or tomorrow to which they collectively replied “I got time.” K****** wanted to go to the mall, which was nearby. She takes me back to my car, which was left back at the school where we were volunteering and it didn’t seem to have a ticket :) From there, she follows me and Phil to the mall. We park and are now walking thru the mall. Halfway through our little mall escapade, Phil notifies us that his mom believes K****** to be my girlfriend. She’s obviously not. K****** then says “why does that keep happening” I’m confused. This is the first I heard of this mistaken identity. I inquire and K****** tells me that when I left to go get napkins earlier,  some of the kids in my class were grilling K****** “are you Kuya [Bubba’s] girlfriend?!” “What? No, he’s just a friend” she replied, “But you’re his friend right?” he replies back, “Yeah” she answered, “And you’re a girl, so [therefore] you’re his G I R L F R I E N D hahahahahahahhha” Interesting. Interesting. Foreshadowing? 

We come across the movie theatre that is at the mall and we deliberate upon which movie we would like to see. Strangely, we decided on Hereditary; which I had seen about a week earlier, but was completely down to watch it again with K******. I buy us popcorn and an Icee (which we shared a straw). She’s the type to hide during the suspenseful bits leading to a scare in horror movies and I thought she looked so  innocent and cute during those times. She also talked shit the entire time about the characters in the movie, which I loved a lot. I do enjoy a propensity to talk shit about things, and she was emodying this so eloquently that it simply made me smile during the whole film. Since I saw the movie already, I knew when the scary parts were coming up. So every time I would be prepared to watch her be scared and she didn’t disappoint. She even talks to me (whispers in my ear) directly during the movie and I talk (whisper in her hear) during the movie as well. We talked equal amounts of shit the whole time and I loved it. Simply put. 

I remember feeling the wisdom of the superego telling me to not catch feelings during the movie. Which part, I don’t know unfortunately. 

Inevitably, the movie came to a close and we now had to leave. I didn’t want to go home. I wish that we could have walked in that parking lot for 10 more minutes just so I could talk to her some more. But alas, we must go home. We say our goodbyes and the night would be over after I drop off Phil at home. I drove home smiling that night. I have to catch myself though. Can’t be catching feelings this early mane. Gon’ get myself killed out here in these streets. 

The fact of the matter is that this girl is a very entertaining prospect for me. I need to better myself still. This girl could make me forget about you. This could finalize everything baby. Just as sure as I am that you’ve graduated from me, I’m very close to graduating from you. Just wait and see. Whatever happens, I want to thank you for the times we had in our lives. See you when I see you LG. 

5/21/2018

I am about to graduate from college. It is quite a surreal thing to experience. Years of my life committed to my education. It all culminates to this. Most of that time was me fucking around and I regret it from the bottom of my booty. I wish I had done more around campus. I wish I got more involved. I wish I had made more of an impact than I did; if I even made one at all. I wish I talked to my professors about anything. Literally anything. I wish I didn’t take my time at school for granted. I am about to graduate from college with nothing to my name. No relevant job experience. No internship experience. Nothing, really. Am I really the sum of my achievements? My life has to mean more than this. 

That’s not to say I did not have good experiences at school. In fact, some of my fondest memories was made at school. Making lifelong friends under the mutiny of a difficult class, smoking weed underneath the canopy of the blah blah blah center on campus, grinding at the gym, playing pool with the boys, having beers at the Nugget, seeing all the hot girls around campus and not having the courage to talk to any of them, good times. And there are still many things I have not done on campus yet. Such as watching a free movie at the union, going to the poet’s lounge that happens like once a month or something, going to an art show on campus, going to one of the fashion shows, explored all the buildings, the list goes on and on. In the end, I feel as my experience at school was lackluster and could be improved upon. If only I realized this sooner. 

Speaking of that topic, I still have not found love. Or has love not found me just yet? Who the fuck knows. All I know is that I feel as if I could be ready for anything right now. Just give me a one night stand bruh. I truly believe that meaningless pussy can do wonders for me right about now until forever. Even better if it’s meaningful pussy though. Jokes aside though, I’ve known for quite some time that I can be the only one to blame about this certain aspect of my life, but there comes a point where you just have to question the world. Like, cmon, I’m not the best looking dude out there, but I’m definitely not ugly. So that’s basically why I made a Tinder® about a month ago, to validate my existence. Synths then, I’ve learned that I have 0 game when talking through text and that starting the conversation is fucking hard sometimes. 

In summary, college was fun, despite not experiencing love’s embrace at any point during that time. 

2/17/18

The homie asks if I want to kick it. I’m down to kick it I say. We meet up at his place and from there we make our way toward a certain dispensary in Santa Ana. At the dispensary, I was helped out by a very attractive white girl. I primarily asked her questions about edibles, specifically about which cookie would be best. She asks if the edibles were for a ‘lady friend;’ which, later, on, my friend interpreted as that was her way of asking if I was single. This, of course, blew my mind. After she rang me up for the cookies, she starts a little small talk over the Hawaiian shirt that I was wearing by complimenting it and also asking if I have seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I admit to her that it’s been a while since I last saw the movie and instead bring up another movie which prominently features Hawaiian shirts, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. She rejoices that I bring up the movie and starts excitedly talking about the movie, regarding it as a classic in some circles. Let’s just say that if I see this girl again at this dispensary, I’m about to spit some game. 

After the dispensary trip, we smoke a couple bowls and make our way to Cerritos Mall. There, I basically went on a shopping spree. Very good retail therapy. One particularly funny instance from this trip is when me and the homie went into Macy’s and went all the way [up] to the third floor. We were feeling on the pillows when, all of a sudden, a worker comes up from behind us and greets us. She say’s hello, welcome, blah blah blah. The homie responds with ‘yes, welcome.’ As soon as I realized this mistake, my soul left my body. I roasted him for this soon after this happened as well. That was pretty funny. After shopping, we ate at Pinoy Pinay, a Filipino fast food joint that gave an UNGODLY amount of [tasty] food and also watched the NBA dunk contest on the tv in the restaurant. 

The homie went to chill with a girl, and I contemplated going straight home, but I figured, where was the fun in that. I tried to call up some other homies to see if they wanted to smoke, but, unfortunately, they were all busy. So I made my way to Fantastic Burger(s), which, pro-tip,  has a 7-11 right across from it. I purchased some eyedrops, bought a horchata, and rolled up a joint in the car. From there, I made my way to a beach I know of and smoked the joint there. Smoking on the beach at night is an underrated, but peaceful pass time that I like to indulge in when I can. After I finished the join, I decide to take a little stroll on the beach, just for the heck of it. I walk for about 5 minutes before walking back to my car. 

I then went to a 24 hour donut shop and got myself a glazed donut. 

Sidenote: I got in touch with Codename: Vajeen and suggested we catch up over some coffee. She was very open to the idea and now I’m seeing her on Wednesday. Better show her how much of a boss I am. No skipping weight training this week. 

2/15/18

Pretty chill day today. I can honestly say that cooking is one of my hobbies. I love putting ingredients together and it comes out tasting good. 

School was pretty chill as well. The Russian girl in my class is pretty funny. Specifically, her responses to the professor’s strange remarks in class (we, as a class, have generally accepted that the professor is a weird dude, a cool weird though. He’s also a pretty funny guy). Lecture today just confirmed that the German language is rather redundant at times and truly highlights the importance of grammar and sentence structure. As it turns out, the famous American author by the name of Mark Twain, perhaps you’ve heard of him, wrote a short essay explaining the frustration of a native English speaker trying to learn German. 

After class was over, I hit up the homie so we can smoke. It took forever getting out of the parking lot because of the game that was going on. I really have to go to a game some time soon considering this is my last semester. In hindsight, I should have gone tonight. Oh well. 

I pick up the homie and make our way to the park after we buy some blunt wraps. We roll up in the car and smoke outside. We then notice that there are some people in our vicinity who were also smoking. Since I happened to have a lot of weed that would take forever to smoke by myself, we had the idea to possibly match with the people nearby. Enter Codname: Hudson and Codename: Lawton. Hudson was a slim, black woman (with a rather big forehead) who was wearing a black shirt, blue jeans, and thigh high boots. Lawton was a black man who was wearing a yellow poncho, blue pants, and grey vans. We offered to smoke them out and thus rolled a blunt. It was a cool time. That is, until we see a figure walking towards us. Keep in mind, we were at a park in the dark with the only lights being the streetlights and random lamp posts in the park. Hudson and Lawton grimace to themselves. Unbeknownst to us, we were gonna be in for a hell of a surprise. The figure had semi long blonde hair, pretty big boobs, and was more on the thicker side. My friend asked who is that. Lawton says Who is IT. Based on that remark, we knew, possibly transgender. Either way, the figure is walking right towards us and before we know it, is right in front of us on the other side of the park table we were chilling at. I am now taking a very good look at the person in question was a man who transitioned into a woman. Hudson and the person obviously had history due to the way they were talking to each other. Things escalated when she was feenin asking for a cigarette. Things escalated even further when she starts grabbing things. The first thing she goes for is my bag with all my weed paraphernalia. We, as a group, then collectively said hell nah and drove her out of there. She leaves, but then we notice that Hudson’s phone was missing. The unknown girl took it. Hudson was ready to square up and hit a bitch. She hit her ass and lo and behold, her phone drops onto the floor. Another thing to keep in mind, we were high the whole time, so having her back never once crossed our minds unfortunately. After that, we finished the blunt and a black car rolls up on us all slowly in the dark, very ominous like. I was glad I wasn’t alone in that situation let me tell ya. We left without exchanging social media since Lawton wasn’t on social media and Hudson was heated and ready to fight the unknown girl we ran into. We then said a bittersweet goodbye. 

After that whole ordeal, we went to McDonalds and I’m not sure the girl at the register was feelin on me or not. Either way, I tested the ‘so how’s your day going so far’ strat and it went off without a hitch. We started a low key conversation that ended as quickly as it began. Btw, the food was fuego, straight flames. Word to the dollar menu.

02/14/18: Allentines Day

1. Something that the homies and I like to do is add the letter ‘L’ to random words and things that we encounter. For example, ‘chicken tenders’ would become ‘chicken t[L]enders’ or ‘ch[L]icken tenders.’ Depending on the situation, either one can be used. Similarly, ‘trash can’ would become ‘trash c[L]an.’ Basically, the stupider it sounds, the funnier it gets. It’s a silly and stupid thing, but it can be quite hilarious at times. The origins of adding L to words can be traced back to a certain public blowjob story. I’ll probably have to make a separate post about that. Needless to say, potential eavesdroppers will likely be confused. 

2. I actually like Modelo’s. Pretty much all of 2017 was practice for building my tolerance towards weed and beer. Beer really is the weed of alcohol. However, I disturbed my repertoire of getting Modelos at ‘(The) Nugget;’ the bar on my campus; and tried out a Blue Moon. I wasn’t impressed and immediately regretted not getting a Modelo. 

3. Been getting closer to some of the people in my Filipino class. There are definitely some Flunnies in that class let me tell ya. My experience tells me that corny jokes (have to have more than one), memes, and dogs (bonus points if you own a dog) are a great conversation starter when meeting people (especially girls). Also, a simple ‘how is your day going?’ is enough to start a fire of a conversation in some circumstances. Also, I remember one time  I complimented a guy’s shirt, and we ended up talking about metal/death metal/hardcore/anythinginbetween music for a while. Should’ve asked Codename Kennedy if she wanted to do have some ramen over the weekend. I should try to see what’s up w/ Christ(mas) and/or TDCC also. 

4. CSULB Esports. It’s a blast to come to this club weekly since I get to test my skills against actual human opponents in Tekken. Been getting better with Lee, but only since the dudes at the club seem unfamiliar with Lee. That, or I mixed up Hitman options very well and read my opponents accordingly. I also had a 4 game win streak against two different people with Lee! Also been putting in work with Gigas. I am now known as the resident Gigas expert. My weakness is still throws however, so I have to practice breaking them. Though I’m at a fairly equal skill level with the guys who play Tekken at the club, I’m recognized as one of the better players in the club and have cemented myself in a community that I don’t feel out of place in. These guys are slowly becoming my friends and that’s sick in my opinion! It’s cool meeting new people in the club every time as well. Even better, the homies were there with me, so it was an all around good time. At one point in the evening, I became the impromptu DJ and played music on the big speakers. Those speakers were really good btw. Also, I took a little time to appreciate some of the more unseen parts of my campus today and I realized that I have not explored A LOT of the campus, especially the Hall of Science, which, despite my limited exploration, was awesome. 

5. After Esports, we smoked joint of Gorilla Glue in my car right in the blah blah blah. After that, we made our way to the 24-hour donut shop that’s near campus. Too many shenanigans happened here. If there’s one underrated thing I will miss about college, it is definitely the late night hangouts with the homies. 

TLDR: You deserve all the happiness in the world; I’m utter garbage and I know/accept it. 

I still think of you every so often. I still regret everything that happened between us. Despite all of that, I still cling onto the hope that we’ll just fuck the bullshit and start over at some point in the future. Even though I know that the probability of this happening is next to zero, I still hope because, in a way, it keeps me going. It sort of keeps me looking forward to something. A false hope. A pipe dream. A mirage in the desert. I’m currently entertaining the idea that this is a curse that people (me) who have wronged someone (you) has to face and hopefully overcome. 

That being said, I hope you DON’T feel the same way. 

For your sake, I hope you don’t think about me anymore. 

I hope you have eradicated every reminder that you have of me so you can make room for better people in your life. 

I sincerely hope that you have put me in your rear view and haven’t looked back since. 

I hope that whenever you think of me, FDB by Young Dro is blasting in your head. 

I hope that if you find yourself listening to Chance The Rapper’s verse on Baby Blue, you’re thinking of me. 

I realize now that I simply wasn’t good enough for you. Not saying I’m good enough for you now, but I’m still not good enough for you. I’ll probably never be good enough for you. The point is that I gave you a star when you deserved a whole galaxy. I gave you a handful of sand when you deserved a whole beach. I gave you cup of water when you deserved the ocean. You get the picture. 

I realize the mistakes I have made. Unfortunately, by then, it was too late. I had to lose you in order to learn just how important you were to me. I hope you’re happy and feeling well. You deserve it. 

PS; learning Tagalog is kind of hard 

Slept at approximately 3 AM on 7/7/17, recording at 10:09 AM on 7/7/17.

I remember being in my neighborhood. It was a dark, gloomy day with no clouds in sight and was quite windy. It was about 6PM, the sun was going down. I remember being outside my house talking to the people in the house on the corner two houses down from my house. 

The weird thing is, the occupants of the house were different from the real life counterparts. In reality, the people who lived in the corner house are a black family. In my dream, the family was switched out with my neighbors from across the street. 

I only remember talking to one specific person. I don’t remember his name in real life or in the dream, but I talked to him like I knew him. Let’s call him Edward. I was walking outside the corner house, which was painted a dark yellow, when I saw Edward walking in and out of his house, to and from his car which was parked behind a tree, outside of my view. While he was walking in and out, he was talking to me about how depressing his house looks. A fitting conversation for the weather. “Can you imagine if my house was a nursing home,” he asked. “Man, if your house was a nursing home, I would probably…” I said. I don’t quite remember what I said at that moment, but he laughed, probably in agreement. I then remember a white man, approximately in his 30s, that shares a striking resemblance to John Luschek in the show ‘Orange is the New Black’ appears seemingly out of nowhere and is obviously displeased with what he sees. He tells us to stop talking and get back to work. Suddenly more people appear around us. I remember a black man, an Asian girl, and one more person that I can’t quite put my finger on; possibly a white guy; all were about 18 years old or older. We were standing in the same spot when suddenly, it was 7AM. Luschek then tells us that work needs to be done by 5:30. “In order for shit to be done, I better not hear any talking.” He gave us more anecdotes on what would happen if we talked and then we walked in the direction toward my house to work. There were 5 of us workers, each were paired. I remember thinking that if each worker was paired, then someone would be left alone. I looked around and realized that I was the one that was by myself. The sun was now shining prevalently, but was now really windy. I happened to be walking quite fast because, apparently, the wind was lifting my feet with each subsequent step. What was previously a fast walk, was now leaps through the air with insane amounts of hang time. I remember taking one huge leap, but had more hang time than I anticipated, which botched my landing. I landed with my hands and feet on the floor, looking in disbelief at my coworkers. They were just as surprised at what I had done and went to talk to me. 

Not long after this, I remember I was paired with the Asian girl and we were now on a slow moving train with an open ceiling. Our job was to look for something. What we were looking for, I was unsure of for a while. I remember talking with her about certain things, but otherwise, we stayed silent for most of the time. We didn’t quite know each other that well, so we needed to build everything from the ground up. I didn’t even make any jokes for some reason. We went through urban areas and suburban areas; both of which had nothing of interest; as well as industrial areas; which, oddly enough, had the most interesting things. We saw an old building that was probably a restaurant. This is when I remembered that my cousin Jonathan was with us and said that the restaurant might have had spicy food. This was also when I realized that we were tasked with finding spicy foods. We travel more through the industrial area when we come across dirt mounds accompanied by dirt terrain. Among the dirt was an old, colorful, wall that stretched for a mile or so. On one part of the wall was a phrase ‘Kitty Poison.’ This is when I see that the wall, in addition to the colors, was patterned with cats as well. This piqued the Asian girl’s interest very hard. “What is that?!,” she exclaimed. We both wondered, what is Kitty Poison? And what did they do? We researched it on my phone and saw that Kitty Poison was a theme park that shut down quite some time ago. 

After some more time on the train, we stop at some stairs and descend. I can’t remember if Jonathan or the Asian girl was telling me about squares and this is where I would find them. We looked to be under a massive freeway underpass. No natural light was coming into the underpass, not even from the stairs that we descended. Very bright lights were set up at key locations, so it looked like night time with the lights on all the time. It was then I noticed that the walls were covered in graffiti and that there were people walking around with armored vests and assault rifles. I was genuinely confused and scared. Why were we here? Why are they packing so much heat? I then remember Jonathan and the Asian girl calmly walking around the corner that we were hiding behind. I was scared beyond disbelief, but nevertheless, I followed them. To my surprise, as soon as I turn the corner, there is a full cafe with all you can eat food and bottomless coffee and drinks. Despite this awesome deal, only 3 tables out of the 10 tables or so were taken. There were a lot of single chairs that were taken however. I get my food and get some drinks and sit down to eat when I notice that my uncle and my dad were sitting at a table, engaged in conversation. My dad was talking while my uncle was listening. This weirded me out, but not as much as I though apparently because I forgot about this immediately. This is when I learn from Jonathan and the Asian girl that this is an Army base. I then look around to see people who really don’t look like they are in the army eating at the cafe. I remember talking about this one guy’s duffle bag which has pixelated anime characters on it. 

The scene then cut to a bunch of army personnel running away from something while shooting back. The commanding officer of the unit then runs toward the camera and talks into his comms. “Command, is drain 2 still operational?” More gunfire and men frantically shouting is heard just behind the commanding officer. Before command could answer, the commanding officer of the unit jumped into the drain and commanded his men to do so as well. Despite being only big enough to fit one person at first, the deeper you went into the drain, it got bigger. After sliding along the drain for about about 5 seconds, the commanding officer then found himself hitting something hard. Weird, because this is supposed to be a drain. He shined his light on what he landed on and looked in horror. Bones, some new, some old. Shortly after this, his men land in the same spot with him. Instead of successfully running away from what they running from, they went straight to it’s lair. The walls around them were not a metal drain anymore, but dirt. They could hear the monster shrieking around them. If anyone tried to dig, the shrieking got closer, as if the monster was right on the other side of them. One of the commanding officer’s  men couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself by putting a gun to his head and fired a shot. The shot caused the monster to shriek loudly and more prolonged than usual. The men mourned their dead comrade and started to plan a way out. One of the men starts climbing out. For some reason, the monster did not shriek at the movement. It was then that the man started to feel a rumbling. Suddenly, water starts rushing down the drain that was thought to be inoperable. This causes the man to be pushed back down to the bottom with the rest of his comrades. He tries to climb back up and his hit with another stream of liquid, though with not nearly the same amount of force. Upon closer inspection, the liquid appeared to be yellow in color. He realized what this was and the terror in his head almost reached to the amount of terror he felt in the monster’s presence (or lack thereof). He climbed more and more until he saw the light at the entrance of the drain. The euphoria he felt was inconceivable. He made it. 

This is all I remember… 

This technically a dream. Slept 3/31, recorded 4/2. I remember being at church. As far as I know, I was by myself attending the Sunday mass. I was on the ground floor and I remember listening to the sermon, totally engrossed in what the pastor was saying. Mass ended and everyone was making their way out, but for some reason, I was still standing there. Suddenly, a pair of arms wraps around my waist in a warm embrace. I remember her saying something to me while doing this, but I don’t quite recall what she said due to the feeling of a girl hugging me from behind, which felt nice by the way. I turn around to see Ladennifer, who was wearing a navy blue, scoop neck t shirt with her hair tied in a ponytail with a white ribbon. Her outfit was completed with blue jeans and flip flops. Sure it (FUCKING) surprised me to know that Ladennifer was the one who hugged me, but what surprised me the most is how happy she was and the smile that was on her face made me question everything that went wrong between us. She was so happy to see me. It was almost as if I had never acted like an ass and left things in a weird spot like I did. All the bullshit I caused was forgiven, but not forgotten. I remember thinking this in my head in addition to all the other tumultuous thoughts running through my mind. I bring her closer to me and hug her as if she was going to die tomorrow. In this universe, I remember all the bad shit between us, but she didn’t, so she was a little weirded out by the power hug. Nevertheless, she hugged me back and tried to get me to stop, but I just wanted to keep hugging her in that spot forever. I honestly wouldn’t have minded if we did. 

 Realistically, she has moved the fuck on though 

 The next part of the dream, I find…

Slept 3/1, Recorded 3/2

I remember driving in my car down a stretch of road; which looked like Lakewood Boulevard by the mall; that seemed to have lasted for forever. I remember driving for about 10 minutes straight with virtually zero stops. It was a cold, windy, California December night. The sky was blackened though no stars were shining because of the light pollution. Remnants of clouds during the day were still in the sky and complimented the night sky beautifully. Despite all the driving however, I do remember a slight traffic jam happening in the street due to a black family setting up Christmas decorations as well as numerous Christmas themed statues and inflatables right in the middle of the street. My driving came to a halt when I stopped right in front of what seemed like a black mother who was setting up a nutcracker doll that was about 2 feet taller than her. She was about 5’7. My headlights were shining on her, but she seemed to pay no mind to my car at all. In fact, none of the black family in the street setting up the decorations payed any mind to the traffic at all. Strangely enough, oncoming traffic did not seem to care either. People just went around with such efficiency, that it didn’t seem weird that a family was setting up Christmas decorations in the middle of the street. I was the only one who seemed to follow conventional driving laws. Nevertheless, I went around the family and made my way down Lakewood Boulevard again.

I’m still driving down Lakewood, when suddenly I find myself driving in a pitch black environment with only three feet of visibility from my headlights. Despite this, I could still navigate the street because of the dashed lines in the street. I followed those for a while when suddenly, the darkness splits and it is revealed that it was actually thick, black cloud coverage. Moonlight started to shine through the seams. The clouds part like smoke clearing and reveals where I am driving. I am now traveling on a two-way street surrounded by trees and mountains. The moon is full and bright, being the only light in the darkness. The stars accompany the moon and complements the scenery nicely. The night was beautiful. I drive for a while in this setting when I decide to take a ramp onto the freeway. For some reason, the ramp was a dirt road. I turn the corner into the ramp when I realize I’m not driving a car anymore, but a dirt bike instead. As I turn, I see three black wolves blocking my path. Since I had to slow down to turn into the ramp, they pounced on me and got me off of my bike. Two of the wolves were biting both of my arms; one on one arm, one on the other; while the last wolf was in the middle looking directly at me. The two wolves on my arms were biting pretty viciously, so I knock the wolf on my right arm away and try to kill the wolf on my left arm by trying to force it’s jaw open all the way, but I wasn’t strong enough and I failed. This is when the wolf that I knocked away started biting my right arm again. I felt absolutely helpless. Since there was no way out of this, I stared at the wolf while gritting my teeth, hoping he would finish the job already. I sensed my end. I let out one last scream directly to the wolf in the middle, then he went in for the kill. Or so I thought…

Just before the wolf in the middle killed me, a pause menu; like from a video game; showed up. The cursor in the menu quickly went to the ‘load previous save’ option. The option was selected and the screen faded to black. I then remembered my vision fading in to when I was driving in my car down the mountain road earlier. Needless to say, I relished in my opportunity to do things over again. I avoided the freeway ramp, and just kept driving.